The Onion: Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids. Make sure you read the screen captures.
Underfunded Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer To Run Through Maze
Scientists at the severely underfunded HLM Research Laboratories announced plans Monday to have the facility’s one remaining rat, Mendel, now cancer-ridden and covered in lipstick, run through a maze several hundred times.
Head researcher Dr. Linda Cho said that since the lab’s $5.6 million budget was slashed by 90 percent last winter, Mendel, a blind 1-year-old albino Norwegian rat with advanced non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, has served as the subject for every experiment the lab has performed.
The Onion: Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation’s broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, “It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can’t catch a break.”
